20th of November 2004

My Diary ...
I was already tired n irritable when an friend im'd me and at the beginning of our conversation, it seemed as if it took him forever to respond. That annoyed me. it just got worse from there as all my insecurities and issues came out. I really felt miserable and i took it all out on him. i had difficultly doing so.After he asked me what my problem was for what seemed like the umpteenth time, i responded with a summary of my issues and insecurities followed by " I HATE MY SELF !". And then it dawned on me: i hate my SELF. when i said that again with passion, " I hate my self !". it worked!!! all my irritation, issues, and insecurities evaporated, and i was fine. even my fatigue vanished ! i am very grateful to my friend for pushing me 'til i could see this. He would've been justified in severing all contact with me forever for all the crap i put him thrue long before i had this epiphany. Here's what i realized, whwn suffering is at it's worst. Self Recognition can be at it's best. However, first the self needs to be recognized, and then Self Recognition needs to be practiced with passion, turn all the suffering around and throw it back at the self, whence it came. Relized that all suffering isn't something that's inflicted upon you, but rather something that your self does toe you! Every negative EMOTION, complusive thought, sensitivity to pain, and reaction comes from the self.